Confessional
by SilverStarsAndMoons
Summary: Oneshot, written for a challenge. Derek waits outside Meredith's hospital room and reflects on their relationship. Not my normal pairing please be nice! :


**Confessional**

Being banished to the hall is a new thing for Derek Shepherd – he's normally the one in control, in charge and in authority. And if he had his way, he would be still in there, still pumping her chest, blowing into her mouth, still breathing for her. But he's been thrown out, because of all sorts of legal reasons like "conflict of interest" and "too close to the patient to be objective", but also because it's Meredith and everyone knows that his heart bursts for her, and maybe if he's overzealous, maybe if he lets his emotions overwhelm his personal responsibility, he will first do harm and not good. That would be breaking his vows, and ultimately his career. So he, somewhere in his rational mind, understands why they've thrown him out. In his emotional wreck of a heart, though, he curses them all.

See, Derek's always been the one to walk away – Meredith's always been the one left. She's always stood there and when he looked back, and walked back, and crawled back, on a few occasions, she's been there. Sometimes she's been smiling sardonically; sometimes she's been laughing to cover up her nervousness, not knowing that her hands are twitching a little with a tic that she can't control; but these days, when he's come back, she's had tears on her cheeks. That's been hard for him to see, and has made him feel like a first-class jerk. He's been an idiot when it comes to Addison, and Meredith doesn't know if she can completely trust him. Well, looking at his track record, she's got a point there.

The first time, Derek had been pushed out the door. No emotional involvement had been Meredith's rule before he'd shown her that it was okay to love, okay to give your heart to someone. She, wrapped in a blanket, had scuttled up the dusty stairs of her mother's house to hide while he had had to find his way out. He didn't count that as "walking away", per se, but he didn't know enough about her to stay, didn't know that she didn't understand that it was okay for someone to leave his toothbrush, to stay for breakfast. So, no, that doesn't count, he tells himself. He'd only done what he would have done with anyone he'd known for a night of drunken sex. It wasn't his fault that she turned out to be one of the latest bunches of new interns. He shakes his head, but he doesn't regret it.

The second time, he'd been so shocked at the sight of his ex-wife, her red hair gleaming, smelling of expensive perfume, standing before him that he'd not noticed when Meredith's mouth had dropped open, that her eyes had turned to him uncertainly, saying "Who is this woman? This is a mistake, right?" Addison always had a way of conquering a whole room, and this was no exception. Born of the New York socialite class, she had fixed poor, stuttering, lisping Meredith with her wispy hair and tiny hands, with a superior look – "You've got to be the woman my husband's been sleeping with." Meredith had never looked so lost, and he hadn't been able to do anything, because Addison had the upper hand, and it was just about checkmate. And then later, when he suddenly realized – "Oh, shit, Meredith" – she had been captured by her friends, taken home for some hot tea and some cuddles, and he figured that it probably counted as the second time he'd walked away.

And still, he'd had a chance to fix it, you know, he'd had a chance to make it right, because he knew he loved Meredith and that she loved him, and that she was a fragile soul who needed loving, but he'd performed his third instance of walking away. He'd chosen Addison, even though he knew they weren't right for each other; that sometimes he couldn't stand her drawling upper-class voice or the way she pouted when she wanted something; that she needed so much fucking attention and hated living in a trailer; that she had slept with his best friend (horror of horrors, really, she may as well have fucked one of his sisters, and who knew if she'd gone that far?) and that he couldn't trust her as far as he could throw her, but he thought that she was right. He thought he'd honour his vows, do the right thing, blah blah, be a good Catholic boy. You know, because wedding vows mean something. Or whatever. But it soon turned out to be a mistake, and then Meredith turned to Finn, and then he thought maybe he could be her friend. But you know, he saw red, every single time she laughed and wrinkled up her nose at Finn, or took his hand like she did every time she walked with a guy, so he thought maybe three strikes and he was out, you know, that was his last chance and he'd blown it.

But Providence has a way of working in a mysterious manner, and he was given a fourth chance to make it right. She lay in that hospital bed, God, she was so tiny. Her blondish hair spread over the pillow, she had hollows under her blue eyes and her face was so pale. She looked like a child. And he knew that he could be the knight in shining whatever. He knew that he could take that tiny, broken little girl, and love her the way no one ever had. He knew he had the power. And he blew it, for the fourth time. He'd told her to choose Finn, even though as he said the words, in that same instant, that playful light had faded from her eyes, her lips had started to tremble, and he knew that she had really wanted him to tell her to choose him. He almost wanted to take the words back, but he knew that he might feel the power now, but he'd wrecked Addison; he'd wrecked himself, New York was too close for comfort, even though it was miles away. So he thought he was doing her a favour, until he realized that he may have just broken her, a little bit more than she already was. He had cursed himself in the trailer that night.

Later on, things had become more normal. They'd started to be an actual couple. He'd cuddled her at night and fed her strawberries on the swing outside. And he knew that finally, she'd started to come out of the darkness. Of course, it was Meredith, and things were never easy for her. So the past started to haunt her. Her mother had screamed at her, basically called her a failure. Her father had come walking back into her life and brought his own set of problems and issues. And Meredith had started to fade, again. This time, he had vowed, he would stay with her. But little things like spats in the morning over the last dregs of milk and his playful mimicking of her snoring made her cry. When he tried to get some sanity, she panicked, thinking he was leaving her again, for the fifth time. And finally, he'd found her under the water in the bath, her hair floating, her eyes closed, and it had been such a shot to the gut that he'd almost thrown up. He'd saved her then. He'd shaken her out of it. But how far was she under? How long would it take to pull her up? He'd had his doubts, been cold with her at work. It was his way of thinking about it, of dealing with it all.

And now she was lying on a table in an exam room, with a team of doctors working on her, trying to bring her back. Derek was banished to the hall – the fifth time he'd been forced to walk away from her. Everyone else had peered in, had seen how she was doing. And he wasn't allowed near the door. Because he could hurt instead of help. Like he'd done throughout the course of their relationship. Could this be the fifth and final strike?

Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Derek sees Dr. Bailey come out, looking tired and defeated. She is wringing her hands and there are tears in her eyes. Immediately, a lump blocks his throat; he feels the sting of fresh tears behind his eyes; his face falls. But she comes towards him, and although her face says differently, her voice is telling him that Meredith is breathing, she's okay, her heart is beating, she's not dead. And in her eyes, there's a small spark.

And he's running, he's aching to get to Meredith's side, because he's done being selfish and he's going to look after her the way she needs to be looked after. He can't stand the fact that if he turns back; she's not going to be there. Five times he may have walked away; five times he may have looked to his needs as opposed to hers. But one act of redemption can erase all sins. This time, Derek's made his confession, and he knows the penance will be sweet.


End file.
